Parenting Advice
Parenting is a vital subject that I haven't talked about much, probably because of my own insecurities in this matter. I'm very proud of my children, but I also know that they've faced challenges because of mistakes I've made. However, I now feel that I am at a place where, though not being an expert in this area, I do have something to offer. Some of the advice below are things that my wife and I have done well, other things I offer as an opportunity to learn from our mistakes.
#1. Be careful how you teach your children about God. God is not a distant deity that is overly focused on rules, but a loving Father who wants our hearts. Consider some language changes. Instead of "devotion time" why not suggest that the family "worship God together"? Instead of "prayer time," why not make it more relatable and suggest that the family take time to talk with God? Show enthusiasm for this time. Make it spiritual and real rather than rote. Sing worship songs and let the children pick them. Recite the Shema with kavanah (heartfelt intent). Talk about each other's struggles and then take them to God. You can force a child to be present for these times, but don't force them to participate - don't equate following God with a loss of free-will. They'll pray when they're ready. Also, emphasize the love of Yeshua more than any other spiritual/biblical concept.
#2. Your child should not have a smart phone or unsupervised internet access. If they must have a smartphone, consider MMGuardian. Likewise, TV Guardian or similar products can help keep an eye on their TV watching. I know parents are often tired and putting them on a computer is an easy way to occupy them, but please be careful. You will be tired as a parent, but this is not an excuse to put your child in a dangerous position in front of a screen. Likewise, children should not be watching R rated movies (I don't even do that myself), most PG-13 movies, or "mature" television that treats things like sex as a joke instead of something sacred. Consider a Pureflix account instead of a Netflix account. If you've already failed in this area, it's not too late to change. Explain to the kids that keeping a pure mind is important before God, and that is why movie/t.v. habits have to change. Even teenagers will have to accept your authority in this area. Calmly explain and follow through.
#3. There is no reason to ever fight with a child. You are in charge. Arguing and yelling back-and-forth gives the impression that everyone is on the same level and that you can be argued with. Calmly state your case and follow through with action. Consequences are more potent in making a point than yelling (and less harmful to your child). Every child that is dependent on you has some kind of consequence that can get their attention. Also, refrain from the "because I said so" line if possible. It's good for children to understand the reasoning behind your decisions. Let them know you are thoughtful and carefully making decisions with their best interest in mind.
#4. Your child will learn to respect authority if you do and they won't if you don't. I would suggest that you not complain about your boss, your child's teacher, your rabbi or pastor, or your own parents in front of them. Do not undercut the authority of your spouse. If you and your spouse disagree, go to a different room and discuss it. Complaints about any authority should be about ideas and not people. We don't want children to be automatons that never question bad authority, but teaching them to think for themselves is not done by complaining.
#5. Get in touch with the Spirit of God daily so that you parent out of the Fruit of the Spirit (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control - Galatians 5:22) instead of emptiness and anger. Look over that list of the fruit of the Spirit closely and daily, and get into God's presence so that these things flow naturally out of you. Don't neglect your own spiritual life! If you do, you won't be loving, peaceful, gentle, etc. Don't use stressful times as an excuse to start operating apart from the Fruit of the Spirit. Being peaceful doesn't mean be peaceful only when the house is in order. Be peaceful because your walk with God is in order regardless of the house.
#6. Be ready for huge amounts of self-sacrifice. Be prayerful and careful before you make educational or career decisions that will limit the amount of time and focus you can give your children (especially younger ones). Your kids are not there to make you feel good as a parent or to fulfill your dreams for a family. I hope and pray that they bring you vast amounts of joy, but that is not the focus. The focus is what you can do for them. And when you sacrifice for them, never complain about it. A parent who complains while having to give their child a ride to soccer practice, or who complains that a child's mistake is causing them extra pain, damages the child's understanding of their value before God.
#7. This will sound like a plug for our private school, but it is offered out of a genuine spirit. Please consider a religious private school or homeschooling instead of a public school. We made this decision later than we should have with our own children. Florida offers great special-needs and need-based scholarships, but even if you don't qualify, cut down where you need to to afford this or home-school them (but add in extracurriculars for social time). Some children have such a strong faith and are in a good enough district to come out of the public schools with their faith intact, but the temptations and depravity are so strong in this younger generation, that few have the strength to withstand being surrounded by hundreds of people who have right and wrong mixed up.
#8. Don't beat yourself up for being an imperfect parent and don't feel guilty or embarrassed when your children make poor decisions. Sometimes it's our imperfections and mistakes that allow the light of God's grace to shine through. If you parent prayerfully and lovingly, you're on the right path to becoming a great parent.
Rabbi J. Lessard
Parenting is a vital subject that I haven't talked about much, probably because of my own insecurities in this matter. I'm very proud of my children, but I also know that they've faced challenges because of mistakes I've made. However, I now feel that I am at a place where, though not being an expert in this area, I do have something to offer. Some of the advice below are things that my wife and I have done well, other things I offer as an opportunity to learn from our mistakes.
#1. Be careful how you teach your children about God. God is not a distant deity that is overly focused on rules, but a loving Father who wants our hearts. Consider some language changes. Instead of "devotion time" why not suggest that the family "worship God together"? Instead of "prayer time," why not make it more relatable and suggest that the family take time to talk with God? Show enthusiasm for this time. Make it spiritual and real rather than rote. Sing worship songs and let the children pick them. Recite the Shema with kavanah (heartfelt intent). Talk about each other's struggles and then take them to God. You can force a child to be present for these times, but don't force them to participate - don't equate following God with a loss of free-will. They'll pray when they're ready. Also, emphasize the love of Yeshua more than any other spiritual/biblical concept.
#2. Your child should not have a smart phone or unsupervised internet access. If they must have a smartphone, consider MMGuardian. Likewise, TV Guardian or similar products can help keep an eye on their TV watching. I know parents are often tired and putting them on a computer is an easy way to occupy them, but please be careful. You will be tired as a parent, but this is not an excuse to put your child in a dangerous position in front of a screen. Likewise, children should not be watching R rated movies (I don't even do that myself), most PG-13 movies, or "mature" television that treats things like sex as a joke instead of something sacred. Consider a Pureflix account instead of a Netflix account. If you've already failed in this area, it's not too late to change. Explain to the kids that keeping a pure mind is important before God, and that is why movie/t.v. habits have to change. Even teenagers will have to accept your authority in this area. Calmly explain and follow through.
#3. There is no reason to ever fight with a child. You are in charge. Arguing and yelling back-and-forth gives the impression that everyone is on the same level and that you can be argued with. Calmly state your case and follow through with action. Consequences are more potent in making a point than yelling (and less harmful to your child). Every child that is dependent on you has some kind of consequence that can get their attention. Also, refrain from the "because I said so" line if possible. It's good for children to understand the reasoning behind your decisions. Let them know you are thoughtful and carefully making decisions with their best interest in mind.
#4. Your child will learn to respect authority if you do and they won't if you don't. I would suggest that you not complain about your boss, your child's teacher, your rabbi or pastor, or your own parents in front of them. Do not undercut the authority of your spouse. If you and your spouse disagree, go to a different room and discuss it. Complaints about any authority should be about ideas and not people. We don't want children to be automatons that never question bad authority, but teaching them to think for themselves is not done by complaining.
#5. Get in touch with the Spirit of God daily so that you parent out of the Fruit of the Spirit (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control - Galatians 5:22) instead of emptiness and anger. Look over that list of the fruit of the Spirit closely and daily, and get into God's presence so that these things flow naturally out of you. Don't neglect your own spiritual life! If you do, you won't be loving, peaceful, gentle, etc. Don't use stressful times as an excuse to start operating apart from the Fruit of the Spirit. Being peaceful doesn't mean be peaceful only when the house is in order. Be peaceful because your walk with God is in order regardless of the house.
#6. Be ready for huge amounts of self-sacrifice. Be prayerful and careful before you make educational or career decisions that will limit the amount of time and focus you can give your children (especially younger ones). Your kids are not there to make you feel good as a parent or to fulfill your dreams for a family. I hope and pray that they bring you vast amounts of joy, but that is not the focus. The focus is what you can do for them. And when you sacrifice for them, never complain about it. A parent who complains while having to give their child a ride to soccer practice, or who complains that a child's mistake is causing them extra pain, damages the child's understanding of their value before God.
#7. This will sound like a plug for our private school, but it is offered out of a genuine spirit. Please consider a religious private school or homeschooling instead of a public school. We made this decision later than we should have with our own children. Florida offers great special-needs and need-based scholarships, but even if you don't qualify, cut down where you need to to afford this or home-school them (but add in extracurriculars for social time). Some children have such a strong faith and are in a good enough district to come out of the public schools with their faith intact, but the temptations and depravity are so strong in this younger generation, that few have the strength to withstand being surrounded by hundreds of people who have right and wrong mixed up.
#8. Don't beat yourself up for being an imperfect parent and don't feel guilty or embarrassed when your children make poor decisions. Sometimes it's our imperfections and mistakes that allow the light of God's grace to shine through. If you parent prayerfully and lovingly, you're on the right path to becoming a great parent.
Rabbi J. Lessard